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"Death Without Weeping": Understanding Scheper-Hughes through Everyday Life in Santa Fé

I am running late to a day of research with the PAR group of chicas trans - I arrive to the barrio Santa Fé (also known as 'la zona de tolerancia) and call Tiffany (one of the peer leaders running the project) to let her know I am outside.  Tiffany comes downstairs from the 'inquilinato' where she lives with her 'marido' (partner) and we walk through the maze of bazuco (crack) rooms, pass 2 kids running around and fighting over shoes, enter her room, and shut the door quickly.  Tiffany slowly places the wooden panel over the knob to lock the door and looks at me with a long face - 'They killed Ingrid last night around the corner'...My reaction was slow as the information didn't seem to register...Another travesti down...another hate crime in Santa Fé...I felt an eeriness in the air when I stepped off the Transmilenio (public transportation system) and walked into the zone...not as many people in the streets...Carrera (Av.) 16 empty where the travestis normally fill the windows and doors of the disco-brothels....Various memories of Ingrid flash through my mind as I begin to digest the information...going dancing...birthday parties in the same 'inquilinato' where we sit today...she was only 22 years old...died on the way to Hospital Santa Clara from a stab wound to the heart...symbolic...hateful...devastating...the girls will surely pay a visit to the Central Cemetery in Bogotá where they go when another one falls...to wish her peace...to ask for her transport to a better place...a safer place than the corners and brothels of Santa Fé.  Alexandra was with us in Tiffany's pieza as well - I didn't have much to say and felt as helpless as I felt after the murder of Wanda...that day we sat at my house and tried to talk about it...to talk about how they feel...'Yes, Amy...it is devastating...we are sad....but this is just another day in Santa Fé'.  It has taken me until now to completely understand this (the murder of Wanda was in October and two other cases have been reported since then).

We had an interview scheduled for the afternoon (after the murder of Ingrid)...and managed to make it through  - although Tiffany's pieza was charged with rage and confusion...where do we direct our anger...how are we supposed to feel with the loss of yet another travesti? Should we run? During this research session, Alexandra mentioned, 'Amy, sometimes I just want to run away - to disappear'...

No tears were shed...

I looked into Tiffany and Alexandra's eyes searching for signs of grief...for some signal that will make it OK for me to cry...There seemed to be no risk of damaging their carefully powdered faces and colorful shimmering eye make-up with tear streaks...

I tried to stifle my emotions and move on with the interview day (as both girls wanted to do) - and so we proceeded as everyday life in Santa Fé continued around us.

Taxi drivers zipping by and slowing to look at the girls and make their pick...car wash employees sitting around and waiting for 'Estrato 6' clients to drive through and decide to clean out their SUVs before going home to their families...sex workers walking back and forth with clients from 'residencias' (hotel/brothels) to their hard earned territory on the street corner...younger girls standing on the corner of Calle 20 holding their 'home'made yogurt bottle-rigged glue sniffing devices up to their faces...

As everyday life continues to move, as money and fluids are exchanged, today's 'pieza', 'golpe del dia' (essential meal), and 'escape del mundo inmediato' (through drugs) remain the immediate priority items that cancel out reactions to death and prevent grief from taking over.

A few days later during another interview the girls informed me about the couple that was burned in Santa Fé (again right around the corner) ... I kept looking down at my fieldnote jottings and again tried to stifle my reaction...just another day in Santa Fé...

Over the course of these two weeks of chaos and death in Santa Fé, I was informed about the condition of my grandmother...today she passed away, may she rest in peace...

Between the loss of my grandmother and the loss of community members to 'limpieza social' (social cleansing) and hate crimes in Santa Fé, I am feeling surrounded and almost consumed by death...but I have learned from the girls how to weep less and keep my make-up streakless...