The power of empathy in street/life

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I find myself perplexed by the intertwined walkways of streetwork and everyday life...
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"He gave it to me...he did it to me...he took it from me...I understand how you feel," he said, "...in the pit of your stomach when those memories surface"..."When they are so vivid that you can't think straight...that words do not form correctly...that sentences are difficult to put together coherently...that everything around you is a blur...a snapshot in time...muffled voices...blank faces"..."I understand what it feels like to want to escape...to the point of standing on a ledge without even realizing you were that close to falling until you are back safely inside"...

Next time you may not be so lucky - there may not be people around to reach out and catch you...

The strength of those around me sometimes overpowers me and smacks me in the face with self reflection - I often fight moments of paralysis and/or catharsis spurred by the pain that comes knocking at my door or at times lies by my side...

Sometimes those who are closest to us get close for a reason...a feeling...a moment of solidarity....of empathy...understanding...shared experience...sometimes we don't even realize until it is staring us in the face...and then it all makes sense...

I have found this to be true as much in street outreach as in my everyday life in Bogotá - although the two are difficult to separate...I have found that the people who surround me now (at home and in the streets) have similar strengths, sensitivities, and wounds albeit unrecognizable at the surface level...

 I am therefore trying to keep my ethnographic eye/'I' that much more alert to the feelings of those around me...to the reaction or suspicions I may have when I sense the lump in someone else's throat (almost as if it were my own)...

These days I find myself thinking more as a street girl than as the person who arrived to conduct doctoral research in Bogotá 15 months ago...

I see this as part of the process of adapting one's positionality to enter ethically into the research context and to operationalize or ground an 'ethics of care'...an ethics that implies actually caring about those we work with (as activists) and write with/for (as academics) - although these roles are interdependent and constantly evolving...

The Difficulties of Participatory Action Research (PAR)

Participation - Action - Research....what's the proper order?

Those of us who embark on the journey of PAR have identified a community, population, policy or general issue area within which we desire to effect change or inspire some sort of action that helps those at stake - thereby making ACTION the most important element of PAR. 

Focusing on one element of PAR, however, comes at the expense of others... and often this reality is difficult to swallow when attempting to balance the ethical, activist and academic motivations of one's project.

Sometimes I come home from the field foggy brained (either from a prolonged conversation with a girl sniffing glue or from the creepy glares of desperate clients) and with barely enough energy to take off my shoes (let alone type up fieldnotes or update my blog).  Forcing myself to sit in my office, I find myself spending more time staring at the maps and scrabbled field jottings all over the walls instead of writing something academic.

I am working closely with two girls from 'la Mariposa' who have now become important research actors within the project.  Yesterday, they told me to take a day off - to go home after my workshop in the morning and not go to the streets or accept phone calls - ...'empty your head Amy...,' they said.  Obviously, they have taken note of my burnout...On a personal level, I feel a bit embarrassed but at the same time note our growth as a team.  In this work, action also hinges on taking care of yourself in order to ensure the constancy of the care ethics underpinning and fueling the drive of community projects.

Motivate participation, construct sustainable structures of care and action, conduct research and maintain the sharpness of your ethnographic eye, respond consistently to the needs of other research actors and community members... As one person...what impact do I really have?

As time passes I feel frustrated, sad, angry...a whole host of emotions...is that selfish? New girls appear on the streets each day accompanied by distinct dilemmas and devastating life stories...but I have found that looking beyond the statistics and disempowering discourse (i.e., a recent analysis released to the press by the Secretary of Health reporting staggering numbers of HIV in youth populations below the age of 14 - click here to see last week's El Tiempo article) and focusing on the positive movements of some girls who are actually making it off the streets - who are claiming their right to access health services - who have entered to finish high school - who are planning baby showers instead of sniffing glue to escape the reality of pregnancy - who are participating in the empowerment of peers to take similar paths...can lift spirits and fuel further action...